i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
