I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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