96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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