he shaved USA in his pubs
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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