so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
