i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
