Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize