apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize