I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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