Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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