the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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