i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
