mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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