The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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