The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
