The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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