i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
