if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
