take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
