Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
