AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you win again, gameday.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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