she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
