HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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