Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I just sharted jello shots
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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