Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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