After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
