Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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