oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
