he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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