HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
sick fucks of a feather flock together
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
