Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
