I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He passed out mid-signature
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
