I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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