we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
