Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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