He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
