I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
