I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
