Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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