i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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