Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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