I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
