Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
