i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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