At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
