im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
this is an emotional support booty call
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
