I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
