Please, let me fuck your mom
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
