one might say we're banned from that church
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
