Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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