The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
