she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
