My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
