We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
