Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
