dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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