More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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