Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
