I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
