His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
