We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
