i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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