i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
