It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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